Columbo on the case of the missing candidates

PROVISO TOWNSHIP, IL — With only weeks to go before the Proviso Township High Schools District 209 Board election, voters are grappling with a growing list of unsolved mysteries: Where did half of the 209 Students 1st candidates go? What, exactly, is their "Better Plan, Brighter Future" agenda? And will any of these answers arrive before the heat death of the universe?

The 209 Students 1st slate, led by Della Patterson, is fielding four candidates for the four open school board seats. Patterson, who is running for her third term, has a storied history in the district, having played a key role in the historic teacher's strike during her second term and working closely with the previous superintendent, James L. Henderson—best known for his creative approach to financial mismanagement and passionate commitment to taxpayer-funded fine dining, lovingly dubbed Chat-and-Chews. Under Henderson’s leadership, school board meetings often doubled as luxury gift exchanges, with board member Theresa Kelly frequently finding herself on the receiving end of extravagant tokens of appreciation.

While Patterson's history suggests a deep familiarity with the inner workings of district leadership (and its expense reports), her slate's actual platform remains as elusive as their candidates.

Famed Detective Columbo Called in to Locate 209 Students 1st Candidates

In a dramatic turn of events, the 209 Students 1st campaign suffered a logistical setback when only two of its four candidates showed up to a recent candidate forum, leading to widespread speculation that the missing members never actually existed or have been placed in a witness protection program for knowing too much about district finances.

Concerned citizens, unable to locate the absentee candidates via normal means, have reportedly contacted legendary TV detective Columbo, who was last seen scratching his head and muttering, "Oh, just one more thing… where exactly is this ‘Better Plan’ you keep mentioning?" Columbo has since been spotted wandering through the Proviso East cafeteria, repeatedly asking staff if they've seen "a couple of missing school board candidates and a well-thought-out policy proposal."

The Great Mystery: What Even IS the "Better Plan, Brighter Future"?

Despite slapping the phrase "Better Plan, Brighter Future" on every campaign flyer, 209 Students 1st has yet to produce anything resembling a plan. Local political analysts suggest this could be an intentional strategy, forcing voters to use their imaginations to fill in the blanks.

Possible interpretations of the "Better Plan" include:

• Bring Back Chat-and-Chews: Because nothing strengthens a school district like thousands of dollars spent on "working lunches" at steakhouses.
• Rebrand Detention as ‘Leadership Training’: A cutting-edge approach to discipline, where tardy students will be sent to a visionary development seminar in a dimly lit gymnasium.
• Invest in State-of-the-Art Technology—For the Board, Not the Schools: Rumors suggest the district's next major purchase could include ergonomic leather chairs and monogrammed iPads for board members, ensuring the people in charge of education have the most comfortable experience possible.

Opposition Candidates Take Bold, Unprecedented Step of Actually Attending Forums

Meanwhile, other school board candidates have adopted a radically different campaign strategy: physically showing up to events and outlining actual policies. This controversial approach has been met with mixed reviews, with some residents applauding their transparency, while others wonder if speaking in complete sentences about district challenges is really the best way to win in Proviso.

One longtime resident, Joe Martinez, weighed in: "I mean, sure, they have plans. And yeah, they answered questions. But can they maintain an air of intrigue? I like my school board elections with a little more suspense."

What Happens Next?

As the election draws near, the questions keep piling up. Will 209 Students 1st finally reveal their master plan? Will the missing candidates ever be found? Will Columbo crack the case before voters head to the polls? And most importantly—will the school district ever get through a year without a major financial scandal?

Only time will tell. But one thing is certain: if the 209 Students 1st candidates don't show up soon, voters may start Photoshopping their faces onto milk cartons.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical take on the Proviso D209 school board election and is meant for entertainment purposes only. If any actual plans are discovered, please notify your local historian immediately.

Local Mafia Boss Attends Racketeering Masterclass Hosted by Proviso Dems

Local mafia boss, Luigi, was seen leaving with exuberance after attending the most recent Proviso Dems meeting.

The topic "Racketeering and You: Getting the most out of others" was a smash hit with local swindlers. The masterclass, led by Chris Welch, outlined strategies for executing with effectiveness. According to Welch, "The key is to have them buy into the concept of just voting for people we've "endorsed". We've done the research and we know better. Follow along, or else..."

Luigi, amazed at what the Proviso Dems have recently done with their endorsements for the April 2025 election, shared what he learned. "So yous charge $50 for a membership fee. Then yous guys use that money to pay for your own campaigns! You cover your ass by saying that the party endorsed. Freakin' geniuses, Albert Einsteins, I tell ya." 

Maywood Mayor Unveils Plans for Driving School

Maywood Mayor Nathaniel Booker Announces Grand Opening of ‘Booker’s Driving Academy’

Maywood residents, buckle up! Mayor Nathaniel Booker is taking a bold new turn in his career by launching his very own driving school, Booker’s Driving Academy. The mayor, who has firsthand experience with unconventional parking techniques, believes he is uniquely qualified to steer the next generation of drivers toward success—or at least keep them awake at the wheel.

Unsatisfied with the offerings at Proviso, the ambitious mayor is determined to trailblaze a new path forward. The mayor stated, "This new business will be a key part of our strategic roadmap for the village. We are all gas, no brakes at this point. The administration has shifted gears, dedicating all resources to this endeavor. We are focused on removing all roadblocks for success."

“After my recent experiences on the road, I realized that Maywood drivers needed a guiding light—someone who truly understands the highs and lows of vehicular operation,” said Booker, carefully choosing his words like a driver navigating a sobriety checkpoint. “I’ve been through it all, and now I’m ready to pay it forward.”

The curriculum at Booker’s Driving Academy will focus on real-life driving scenarios, including:

• Expressway Napping 101 – Teaching students the delicate art of selecting the perfect highway lane for a quick, unintentional nap.
• How to Politely Decline a Breathalyzer – A masterclass on how to navigate roadside conversations with law enforcement.
• Traffic Obstruction for Beginners – Helping students understand the best ways to temporarily convert busy thoroughfares into personal parking spots.
• Public Relations Pit Stops – Damage control strategies for when the road gets a little bumpy—legally speaking.

The new business aims to create a new driving style. "You've heard of defensive driving, but have you heard of Driving Unaware & Irresponsible, or D.U.I? Yeah, you'll learn that here."

Enrollment is already at a standstill, as many residents are still processing the irony of this bold business venture. However, Booker remains optimistic, assuring skeptics that the school will be totally above board—unlike his recent traffic citations.

When asked if students would receive a discount for good behavior, Booker laughed and said, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves—one step at a time. Or in this case, one stoplight at a time.”

Local officials have expressed concern that the mayor’s side hustle might send mixed signals. “We just want to make sure he stays in his lane,” said one trustee, shaking their head. “But then again, that’s never really been his strong suit.”

Booker’s Driving Academy is set to open next month, pending approval from the DMV, the village board, and common sense. Until then, Maywood residents are advised to proceed with caution—both on the roads and at press conferences.

More information can be found here

Elected officials gather at laundromat

Elected officials visited a laundromat in Melrose Park after attending a swanky soiree that raised a sizeable chunk of donations.

Mayor Harvey Dent said it was the place to not only clean your shirts, but your pockets as well.

Della Celebrates new Campaign HQ

This past weekend, Della was ecstatic about the new campaign headquarters at Gibsons. One of the founding members of the Chat-and-Chew Crew, Della was delighted to have access to a delectable culinary experience.

When asked what helped her settle on Gibsons, she simply stated that she's given "sandwiches and Mexican food, bleh! 🤢🤮" This is in reference to food given during the monthly board meetings.

When questioned about donating, Della mentioned two affordable options: Slate sponsor for $250 and Cooper sponsor at $500. She emphasized that Cooper is not a misspelling of Copper, as in the metal. Rather, you get to hang with Mr. Cooper while enjoying a satisfying meal.

She also reminisced about the one board meeting when Henderson "celebrated" board member appreciation day by purchasing Gibsons at a cost of over $500. When asked about the optics of such fine dining on the backs of constituents that cannot afford such a meal, her response showed indifference: "You'd change your mind once you have their medium-rare ribeyes."